Everyday Ramblings

It’s not fine.

“I’m not going to make it today.” you say at the last minute. “Something came up.”

“okay” I answer, because, what else am I supposed to say? it’s not like this is the first (or second, or third) time you’ve cancelled at the last minute. Because, honestly, at this point, I’d probably be more surprised if you actually kept a commitment.

“Please don’t be mad, it’s just that…. and it’s out of my control.”    It doesn’t really matter what the reason is. It’s just an excuse, nobody is dying. Asking me not to be mad doesn’t change the fact that my plans for the day are ruined. it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve left me disappointed.

“Okay.” I say again. I know there is no point in trying to explain to you how hurt and frustrated I am. in your mind you’ve built up this flimsy excuse, and you feel justified in cancelling – you don’t want to hear the truth, you want me to agree with you.

“Well don’t be mad because… ” you can tell me not to be mad all day long. it’s not going to change anything. I am mad. I’m mad at myself for trusting you. I’m mad for thinking that anything was going to be different this time. I’m mad at you for letting me down, again. I’m mad that my plans for the day are ruined. I know what you want to hear. I know you want me to tell you, “it’s fine.” and you’re going to keep asking me not to be mad, until that is the response. You want me to tell you it’s not your fault, I’m not hurting, I’m okay with not being a priority in your life. But I do care. It’s not fine,  and as angry as you seem to be getting at my unwillingness to tell you that “it’s fine.” is how upset I am about the whole situation. Just Leave It Alone. Drop It. I don’t really want to keep going round on this with you.

“okay.”  I say.

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