One of the things my doctor is constantly obsessing about is my weight. To help appease these concerns I have tried diet after diet – all to no avail. Most recently (ok, about 6 months ago) he referred me to an endocrinologist who referred me to the Mary Free Bed Weight Management program – who also insisted I needed to lose weight.
I went into this frustrated. Every time I try to diet and I get down to 250, I end up in the ER or Urgent Care, but I told the doctor I would try, and damn it, that’s what I was going to do.
Sure enough, right about the time I hit 250 I ended up in the ER, this time, to have my gall bladder removed – except the doctors didn’t consider it an emergency so I went nearly an entire month unable to eat solid foods, and to the excitement of my doctor, my weight plummeted. I was so unhealthy though. I would be exhausted all the time for no reason. I was sooo hungry. I was pretty much living off of Mc Donald’s smoothies and Starbucks Soy Latte’s; but when I weighed in after my surgery, my doctor was quick to point out, “how very little food you actually need” and what a great job I was doing with my weight loss.
As you might expect, all the weight that I loss when I wasn’t eating, came right back after I started eating again, and just like that I was back to 20; and now, 2 months later, I ‘m holding steady, with no progress (but no backsliding, so I’m gonna count that as a win).
However, after about a month of being back at 250, I had a sit down meeting with the weight loss program manager, and we decided that I’m not going to diet anymore (even though there was still some time left in the program). The truth is, my body doesn’t want to weigh less than 250. It doesn’t. It gets mad at me every time I try, and if I’m making smart decisions, and I’m working to get my steps in, then I’m going to be healthier than I was before, and who cares what the scale says? There are other quantitative ways I can measure my health.
I can measure my health by how long it takes me to walk a mile, or how winded I get walking up the stairs. I can measure my health by how energetic I feel, or how much sleep I require. Plus, not stressing about my weight is good for my mental health. I have enough things to stress about, there is no reason to add extras in.
One of the things I am working on is Body Kindness. The Diet program manager recommended this book, and so far, I love it. There really is something to understanding that you can be healthy at any size, and that health and weight, do not have a 1 to 1 correlation. (There are lots of people who weigh very little, but are also very very sick.)
So anyway, in summary, the diet worked (I lost 17 lbs) but I am back to my “normal” weight. Right where my body wants to be, and for me. That’s okay.